you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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