sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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