Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
