I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
