You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
