Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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