I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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