Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
