I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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