I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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