Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Randomize
