I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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