Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
