Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
