I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
