i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
