The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
