i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
