ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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