i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Randomize