first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You need Xanax blowdarts
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
