Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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