Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
