If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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