I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize