Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize