I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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