Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
