We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
