I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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