i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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