I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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