I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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