I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
