I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
