U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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