I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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