got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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