my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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