I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
