I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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