biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
