Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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