yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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