you guys were way drunker than both of me
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
