So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
