Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize