Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
