The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
The dick lei will go down in squad history
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
