One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize