I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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