I think my fart just growled at me.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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