saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Maybe he injected his testicle?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize