Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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