Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
