when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize