does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
