i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
