Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
