Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
