I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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