Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
