I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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