If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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