Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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