Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
