She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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