I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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